Oh, freaking snap!

So, update on the lifeizzle-shizzle.
Christopher and I are getting married in FOURTY DAYS!
I almost threw up the moment I typed that. Crap.
I'm so nervous.
Am I pretty enough for him? Am I?
He seems to think so. I catch him staring at me all the time.
That's good right? I love him, I love him, I love him.

Woah, fourty days.
Woah.
Christopher is SO hot. :)


Ashlee ouuuuttttttt!

Long time, no post.

So, I just got my butt kicked by a trigonomerty test.
That's sad.
The class really isn't that hard, I'm just not studeous enough.

Life has been pretty good.
I'm kind of sick right now.

That, and I really don't have anyhting to say right now...

Here is a super BAMF cover of Rihanna's Umbrella by Vanilla Sky:


And another by All Time Low:

Have you ever just wanted to run away?
I have.
I do.

I want to go somewhere new.
Where people don't know who I am or what I have been.
Somewhere I can start over.
Start over with Ashlee.

I imagine someplace deserted.
The wind blows hard enough to hear, but so gently it only makes the hairs on your arms stand a little taller.
The birds make their music without reservation, and so can we.
Our life is perfect.
There is no stress.
There is nobody to look down on us.
There is only us.
And our love.

I want to just hold you forever, Ashlee.
I want to make sure that you're kept safe from everything that has ever hurt you.
I love you.

I want to run away with you.
I know that's not what would make us happiest.
So, I'm putting this little dream away.
I'll visit it now and then.
Sometimes I'll yearn for it.
But most of the time, I won't.

I'll hate it.
I know I will.

I love you, not because of sum dreamland but, becaseu of what you are, and what you help me become, in reality.
I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Some times people are confused by my beliefs, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

My friend Daniel said something along this line yesterday:

What glorifies God more, that He can create somebody equal to Himself, or that He stays above everyone for all eternity.

God is our Father.
That isn't an analogy.
It's literal.

I thought I knew what I wanted.
That's not entirely accurate, I know what I want.
I just don't know how to have it.
I thought I did.
I know I did.
But then it changed.
We tainted it.
You know it's true.
What we had has been tainted.
Tainted by the lies.
Tainted by the selfishness we've both displayed.
It's been replaced by something else.
Something less.
I want to try to start over.
I know that's not entirely possible, but we can try.

I love you.
I know that.

You're holding my world together.
It's beginning to fall apart.

Please save me.

I'm not really sure what to write here.
I miss Ashlee so much.
I hurt her.
I didn't mean too.

I'm just doing what I think is best.

I'm trying to save money, so we won't be completely broke when we get married.

Yeah, I'm working on Valentine's Day, but I had planned some surprise stuff to make for that, one of them technically ending Valentine's morning.

That's all been shot to hell.

The sad part is, I didn't even ruin it.
Well, that's not entirely true.
Ashlee killed it, but it's only due to my past lameness that she did.
I hadn't done anything previous to make her believe that I could be romantic, or surprise her, for that matter.

Dang, I suck.

Now I'm just sad, achy and can't seem to fall asleep no matter what.

I don't even get to see her until Friday, because I pissed her off.
I guess it's a good thing I didn't tell work that I wasn't going in today.
Angel said I could just call in, and that would be a-okay.
I'll go in, now, though.

Nobody want to see me.

Even my parents stray away from me.
Patrick tries not to be around me.

I just wish I had somebody to talk to, but I don't.
My only outlet if fucking Blogger.com

It's almost four in the morning, and I don't even have a semblance of tiredness.
All I wanted was to fall asleep on the phone.
I've gotten too used to that.
I need to remember that I really can't really on anybody, for anything.

If I can't get by on my own, then I shouldn't do it.

I'm the only person I can count on.

I'm the only one that knows my thoughts.

But out of every other person, in the entire world, I hate me the most.

I'm really tired right now.
Not in a sleepy way, but in an exhausted way.
My body hurts all over.
My mind has been far too active.
My emotions have been pretty crazy.

It's all stemmed from decisions I made.

Lately I've been noticing hos my decisions effect me and those that I love.
That's just the truth behind life.
Our decisions make us what we are today.

You and I are simply a product of every moment we've lived up until now.
We decide our moments.

I love Ashlee so much.
I cause her so much worry.
I don't mean to.
I just want her to be happy.
More specifically, happy with me.

I'm going to go take a test on Monday for a job as a police dispatcher for the Plano Police Department.
I really need this job.
That's actually part of the reason I keep on typing.
Part of the test is data entry and typing.
I can barely type without looking at the keyboard...
I'm pretty lame for a nerd, I know.

Well, here is another video:

Just testing this mobile blog thing that I've got going.

I keep on forgetting

It seems to me that my hair isn't the only thing that's been going away.
I forget things all the time.
That scares me.

I'm not so much scared that I'll forget important days or events.
I'm scared I'll remember to be me.
You really have to work at being yourself.
This really didn't strike me until now.

I purposefully pick and choose my mannerisms.
I decide when to do something weird or normal.
I have control over myself,
when I remember.

Some things that I don't want to forget are my words.
Especially the ones that I really mean.
I don't ever want to forget to tell Ashlee I love her.
Not a day should go by that I don't verbally let Ashlee know that she is beautiful.

I know that she knows that I think both of those things,
but they still need verbal recognition.

I don't want to forget my dreams.
Even if I am giving one or two of them up.
It's only to fulfill others,
and who knows,
maybe one day I can pick them back up again.

Anyway, I really don't remember how I wanted to end this.,
and I'm sleepy.

Goodnight.

A little bit of DOOM! goes a long way.

Life goes well if you do what you're supposed to.
I'm not saying that you'll win the lottery or be set for life if you just play by the rules.
What I am saying is, that, at the end of the day, you can fall asleep with a clear conscience and a knowledge that you've done your best.
Now, the opposite applies, also.
If you don't play by the rules, you're pretty much broken.
We're all broken.
The trick is knowing that you've put enough of yourself together.

Knowing that your Father in Heaven is disappointed with the choices you've made is hard. I hate that feeling. I want to rid myself of it and never feel it again.

Well, Ashlee is going to try RO.
She really does love me.

We, us, his, hers.

We're in Love, and it's growing.
Growing the way our Heavenly Father intended it to.
- Ashlee

Eff!
I just wrote an update and accidentally hit the back button!
Eff!

Anyway, school is in!
The reason for that exclamation point is that I have most of my classes with Ashlee!
Whoa!
That's pretty freaking sweet!

Nothing much of note has occurred as of late.
Big Jeff Green got home on Wedsneday.
We're going to jam at some guy's grandma's house at one today.
YES!

Well, here is a movie that should make you crap your pants laughing:

Another Day

Well, life has been moving at a steady rate of "what the hell is going on?"


I'm using this a replacement for Xanga.
I've decided Xanga just isn't for me.

Well, I have work in 18 min., and Ashlee just fell asleep on my bed.LoL.
I love her SO much.

I just wish I were better.
She deserves better.
I guess that's what I'll have to be


Anyway, this is for anybody who wants it:

In the beginning.

The purpose of this blog is to provide me with somewhat of a journal.
I'm not 100% sure on how keen I am about using a blog for this purpose, but I will try, nonetheless.

I didn't get much sleep last night.
Ashlee had a night mare and called me at a bout 3:10am.
So, I've slept about two hours.
I'm really not upset in the least though.
I'm glad Ashlee called me.
I like to be interrupted by her, especially when she is upset.

He dream was of me dying.

Her grandfather and either the History Channel or Discovery got her worried about the Apocalypse conspiracy for 2012.

I don't buy into those at all.
the world isn't going to magically come to and end, nor are we going to erupt into a global nuclear war anytime soon.
People are still too scared of nuclear power plants to have though around, much less actually blowing stuff up.

I just want her to feel comfortable.