Oh, freaking snap!

So, update on the lifeizzle-shizzle.
Christopher and I are getting married in FOURTY DAYS!
I almost threw up the moment I typed that. Crap.
I'm so nervous.
Am I pretty enough for him? Am I?
He seems to think so. I catch him staring at me all the time.
That's good right? I love him, I love him, I love him.

Woah, fourty days.
Woah.
Christopher is SO hot. :)


Ashlee ouuuuttttttt!

Long time, no post.

So, I just got my butt kicked by a trigonomerty test.
That's sad.
The class really isn't that hard, I'm just not studeous enough.

Life has been pretty good.
I'm kind of sick right now.

That, and I really don't have anyhting to say right now...

Here is a super BAMF cover of Rihanna's Umbrella by Vanilla Sky:


And another by All Time Low:

Have you ever just wanted to run away?
I have.
I do.

I want to go somewhere new.
Where people don't know who I am or what I have been.
Somewhere I can start over.
Start over with Ashlee.

I imagine someplace deserted.
The wind blows hard enough to hear, but so gently it only makes the hairs on your arms stand a little taller.
The birds make their music without reservation, and so can we.
Our life is perfect.
There is no stress.
There is nobody to look down on us.
There is only us.
And our love.

I want to just hold you forever, Ashlee.
I want to make sure that you're kept safe from everything that has ever hurt you.
I love you.

I want to run away with you.
I know that's not what would make us happiest.
So, I'm putting this little dream away.
I'll visit it now and then.
Sometimes I'll yearn for it.
But most of the time, I won't.

I'll hate it.
I know I will.

I love you, not because of sum dreamland but, becaseu of what you are, and what you help me become, in reality.
I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Some times people are confused by my beliefs, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

My friend Daniel said something along this line yesterday:

What glorifies God more, that He can create somebody equal to Himself, or that He stays above everyone for all eternity.

God is our Father.
That isn't an analogy.
It's literal.

I thought I knew what I wanted.
That's not entirely accurate, I know what I want.
I just don't know how to have it.
I thought I did.
I know I did.
But then it changed.
We tainted it.
You know it's true.
What we had has been tainted.
Tainted by the lies.
Tainted by the selfishness we've both displayed.
It's been replaced by something else.
Something less.
I want to try to start over.
I know that's not entirely possible, but we can try.

I love you.
I know that.

You're holding my world together.
It's beginning to fall apart.

Please save me.

I'm not really sure what to write here.
I miss Ashlee so much.
I hurt her.
I didn't mean too.

I'm just doing what I think is best.

I'm trying to save money, so we won't be completely broke when we get married.

Yeah, I'm working on Valentine's Day, but I had planned some surprise stuff to make for that, one of them technically ending Valentine's morning.

That's all been shot to hell.

The sad part is, I didn't even ruin it.
Well, that's not entirely true.
Ashlee killed it, but it's only due to my past lameness that she did.
I hadn't done anything previous to make her believe that I could be romantic, or surprise her, for that matter.

Dang, I suck.

Now I'm just sad, achy and can't seem to fall asleep no matter what.

I don't even get to see her until Friday, because I pissed her off.
I guess it's a good thing I didn't tell work that I wasn't going in today.
Angel said I could just call in, and that would be a-okay.
I'll go in, now, though.

Nobody want to see me.

Even my parents stray away from me.
Patrick tries not to be around me.

I just wish I had somebody to talk to, but I don't.
My only outlet if fucking Blogger.com

It's almost four in the morning, and I don't even have a semblance of tiredness.
All I wanted was to fall asleep on the phone.
I've gotten too used to that.
I need to remember that I really can't really on anybody, for anything.

If I can't get by on my own, then I shouldn't do it.

I'm the only person I can count on.

I'm the only one that knows my thoughts.

But out of every other person, in the entire world, I hate me the most.